An Open Letter to Jason Segel

Imagine spending a lifetime building a house of cards, only for Jason Segel to waltz in and blow it all down with his smug, disgusting face.. All my life, I was supposed to reboot the Muppets… until Jason Segel did it. Since then, I’ve spent the past seven years of my life living in a cold, cruel world.

Like a cow-for-slaughter, my father raised me with the sole purpose of rebooting the Muppets. Every penny I’ve earned, my father has funneled straight into my Fidelity life savings account, which is named “Muppet Reboot Production Budget.”

He put off traditional schooling for what he described as “real education.” I learned proper grammar and punctuation from the countless revisions I did on my planned Muppet reboot screenplay. In the mornings, he’d sit me before the DVD players and watch hours of the Muppet Show. During the afternoons, I’d be forced to crouch in small spaces and hold my arm in the air for hours, in order to prepare for the rigor of puppeteering. At least I have totally shredded shoulders now. During the nights, I’d be given my tomato soup at the dinner table where he’d usually look me dead in the eyes and say “If you don’t reboot the Muppets, you are a failure.”

I don’t know if there is destiny. Or God. I don’t know how there can be, when the only story you’re supposed to tell has already been told. My purpose was objectively to reboot the Jim Henson’s beloved creation in a new original motion picture… until Jason Segel rebooted the characters in an entertaining and heart-warming fashion that could even make grown men weep.

I’ve been dating my beloved girlfriend, Lucy, for three years. Every night we kiss goodnight and she turns overs to sleep. Alas, I cannot turn over to sleep because I am afraid that Jason Segel will propose to my girlfriend before I get the chance to. I’d propose with a ring, that I’d purchase using my salary from Best Buy, only for Jason Segel to bust in with a ring, that he’d purchase using his salary from writing and producing Disney’s The Muppets.

Jason Segel, if you’re reading this, I want you to know that you have flushed my life down the toilet as careless as a child ripping off rose petals. My life is crippled and limping to the finish line because of you. My name and my reputation has been ruined. I know what people are thinking when they see me at my local Denny’s on a given midnight, scarfing down my grand slamwich: “Wow, HE didn’t reboot the Muppets?”

You’re a real asshole, Jason Segel.